Juicy Foe: The Matrix

Yes, the movie itself. I hate it. I'm like...trippin' balls. Don't yell at me and tell me I should have seen this movie when I was 9. I was 9! I just saw it -with some sort of weird flu thing- and I must say I didn't know this many balls were available to trip upon.

I can't count how many times I started questioning reality, hiding under covers and comparing things to Mass Effect (which is practically my current love affair.) The Matrix people guys (the good ones) on the Nebakdadgezerr (No I won't spell check that) were like Quarians, and the agent robot guys were the Geth. Their weird tentacle monsters were like Geth ships. Neo's baby tube tank thing was like Grunt and his glass mother. Fuckin' weird ass Mass Effect shit right there.

Anyway. So I hate this movie. It made me trip. HARD. Do not watch this when you're deliriously ill.

Brock

Remember back in the 90's? There was a show called Pokemon. If you were a nineties child like me, then you more than likely remember watching it, choosing a favorite Pokemon, wanting to kiss Ash or Misty or Brock, playing the GBA games, or even playing Pokemon in the back yard or at school with your friends. (If you haven't done any of these things, you weren't a real child; you were a robot programmed to hate Pokemon and life.) If you are of the older crowd (respectfully older...don't paddle my butt please), you might remember your children watching this show.

The 90's couldn't have existed without Pokemon, and Pokemon would have sucked without Brock. Pokemon is already a ridiculous, mind-blowing, senseless show that defies physics and makes me want to hide it from my children so they learn REAL science someday. But, because Brock exists, I may have to reconsider.

Brock has many siblings, all which he had taken care of by himself while acting as a gym leader. After meeting Ash, Brock's father returned to care for his children and Brock left with Ash and Misty. Being the most intelligent in the group, he carries useful items like maps, potions and cookware amongst other practical things. He loves girls since he is the only character whose testicles have dropped.*

So, let's hear it loud for Brock, our Juicy Poke-Bro.



*Total fabrication; I know nothing of the characters' testicles
Information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brock_%28Pok%C3%A9mon%29
(Yep, Brock has a Wiki. wtf.)

Juicy Update:

As you can clearly see, this page is much more...blue. Your juicy desk fan creator, Massey, has decided to change things up a bit, go more in the direction of symbolism. Blue means a lot of things: water, love, calmness, rage. Such a complex color! Our blog's blue stand for drool; it symbolizes the saliva that drips from your mouth as you stare deeply into the eyes of your favorite juicy bro -- whomever that may be. Enjoy the new colors, and may many more juicy bros come!

My most sincere apology, possibly ever...

If you've read this blog, you've noticed that Massey and I had a little, er...disagreement. Well, the old girl's up and running, and hasn't tried to hit me in the face since this morning. In all honesty, Massey is the best desk fan (and only desk fan) I've ever had. I love her. I can't sit at my desk knowing that she's mad at me. So, I think I owe her an apology.

Massey, I understand why I hurt your feelings. You knew that it was getting too hot in the room, and that I needed a bigger fan that could circulate more air. Well, Massey, I don't care if you can't circulate as much air as a giant fan. You'll always be my favorite desk fan, even when we fight. That big fan means nothing to me; it's just a tool to get what I want. I'm sorry, Massey. REALLY sorry. Please forgive me. I...I love you.

Juicy Foe: Massey

No, you didn't read the title the wrong way. Massey has just received the title "Juicy Foe." Let me explain: my name is Massey; that's Massey Red Deskfan for those websites who need my full name. I got my name simply from my favorite household appliance: a little red desk fan whose name was Massey. Lion noted that she had a nice name. I agreed. Eventually, Massey became a symbol in my life: you can make anything out of nothing. I've used the name Massey for my other appliances, for characters in my writing...countless things. And it all stemmed from one little, red, desk fan.

Pretty cool, right? Well not anymore because my desk fan is a bitch. Today, I was lying in bed with Lion, just talking the morning away before we ran off to run errands. I was in mid-sentence (and I really believe that it was the exact middle of that sentence) when Massey, who I thought was like, my best friend ever, leaped from the table in which she so innocently sat and HIT ME IN THE FACE!

It was right at the top of my head. And it really, REALLY hurt. I don't know why she did it. I mean, I thought she was my friend. And she just turned on me. She's the original Massey. My other appliances wouldn't even be named without her! I just can't believe she took such careless action with me, her best friend ever.

So, I raged about it, and threw her on the floor a couple times. Went out of the room to rage to my nephew, cp violating, came back in and whacked her with the door a few times until I got all my anger out.

So, fuck you Massey. Take my rage blog and suck on it.

Salarians

Little Miss Massey hasn't blogged in a while, now has she? But, she figures she can use this to her advantage. Aside from speaking in third-person, all she's been doing is playing Mass Effect. And since she's been playing Mass Effect, she's come across some tasty, juicy bros. One of these bros isn't a single bro, but rather a race: the Salarians. Given, there are a couple really effed up Salarians, most of them are juicier than hell.

What finally pushed me to blog about the Salarians was two things: Lion, because he really liked them. Also, Mordin ended up being really, REALLY cool. At first I was skeptical, because the Salarians were just kinda...juicy in an offset way. I appreciated seeing them around, but a Salarian as a main character? That turned me off. I was proven extremely wrong, however, and Mordin lead me to blogging. (What happened to my third-person speech? I bet this sounds ridiculous, now!)

The second species to join the Citadel, the Salarians are intelligent beings who don't typically live more than 40 years of age. At a bachelor party on Ilium, a human compares a Salarian's life span to dog years. They created the Genophage, making creepy ass Krogans hard to breed. Their metabolism is quick; they speak rapidly as a result.

Here's to the Salarians, those interested in war or science! Live on as long as you can, juicy Salarian bros, because...well sadly you'll probably just die. You're about as juicy as you are likely to be killed by Veran.



Info, beezees: http://masseffect.wikia.com/wiki/Codex/Aliens:_Council_Races
Seriously, this Wiki is awesome!

Dwayne Johnson III: Hannah Montana

It's true. And I thought it would be SAD to say it's true. But it isn't. Why? Because our number one juicy bro, The Rock, can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, be on any show or in any movie, and still come out just as juicy.

From pro-wrestler to man in a tutu to, um...Hannah Montana?...Dwayne Johnson strikes again, this time, as a pretty lady. Seriously, though. Respect should go up for Mr. Rock, because though he maintains his body and shows up on muscly magazines, he always pulls of some crazy, hilarious antic while never failing to put his dignity on the line just to please the children of our country.

I must say, Juicy Rock Bro, your dignity kudos have gone WAY up (again) in the eyes of those who truly, sincerely appreciate juicy bros. Good job, Dwayne Johnson. We love you.